The 2003 Trenchie Awards

To close out the year that sucked much ass I bring you the 3rd annual Trenchie awards. Pickings were slim this year as I didn’t do a whole lot this year. So let’s get this over with.

Best Move I’ve Seen This Year: Not a banner year for movies as I’m not a LOTR geek but I’ll have to give it to 28 Days Later. A nice little twist on the zombie/apocalypse theme.

Worst Movie I’ve Seen This Year: Highlander: Endgame. You do not kill Connor MacLeod. He is THE Highlander. Blasphemers.

Best Album of the Year: Life is Killing Me by Type O Negative. I think that’s the best album title ever. Strong album too. A healthy mix of the previous 4 albums.

Worst Album of the Year: Dance of Death by Iron Maiden. Lame title. Lame cover. Lame album. And I’m a huge Maiden fan. A big disappointment considering how much I liked Brave New World.

Best TV Show of the Year: 24. Duh.

Worst TV Show of the Year: The Simple Life. Reality shows suck in general but does anyone really give a rats ass about these two skanks if their clothes are on?

Best Wrestling Moment of the Year: When the ring collapsed after Brock Lesnar superplexed The Big Show. Total holy shit moment.

Worst Wrestling Moment of the Year: When Kane attached jumper cables to Shane O Mac’s balls. I can only suspend my belief in reality for so much.

Best Video Game of the Year: While other people were shooting up Vice City I was destroying a major Japanese city in Robotic Alchemic Drive by Enix. I mean what’s cooler than giant transforming robots destroying cities while they fight each other? It’s a hard game to find so pick it up if you see it.

Worst Video Game of the Year: Simpson’s Skateboarding. Another failed attempt in the long line of sucky Simpsons games. Tony Hawk, it ain’t.

Best Movie Line of the Year: No winner this year. Nothing sticks out in my head as I write this plus I didn’t see a whole lot of movies this year. Unless you count the beginning of 28 Days Later when they were experimenting on the monkey and were making it watch violent television while keeping its eyes pried open. I turned to my wife and said…”Heh…Clockwork Banana.”

Biggest Dumbass of the Year: War protesters. Get a job, you filthy hippies.

Most Inane Political Agenda of the Year: After missing the mark in 2002 PETA is back in 2003 with PETA complaining that Arab terrorists were using donkeys to deliver suicide bombs. They didn’t care about the people being killed, just the donkeys.

Biggest Jackass Celebrity of the Year: So many to choose from this year. With Natalie Maines and Jeneane Garafolo coming in a close second but no one can even touch the jackassery that is Michael Moore. His offenses are too numerous to even try to list here.

Happy New Year everyone. I’m off to see the possum drop.

12/28/03 From the Mail Sack

Hope everyone had a nice Christmas/Hannukah. It’s Sunday so let’s dip into the hate mail shall we?

From my entry on the Eric Harris journal

Eric and Dylan, although they were sick, were driven to the edge by society, so don’t fucking blame the parents. I hate all you fucks who blame everything on the parents, and the kids. Society is the sick bastard here, not Eric and Dylan.

Posted by: Anarchist Mafia 627 at November 29, 2003 10:24 PM

Here we go. Blame society. I guess I have to say it again. If the parents had just kept a better eye on their mutant children this tragedy would have been averted and the innocent people that they directly and indirectly killed would still be alive today. I can only dream that those two rat bastards would still be dead by some suicide pact or something.

From the same entry (go figure)…

It’s so long ago, and it didn’t even happen where I live. Yet what happenend on Columbine that day is on my mind every day. Eric and Dylan touched me deep inside. I wonder what must have gone through their minds the 20th, and what they were thinking when they turned the guns on themselves. All I can do is relate. Relate to what they have gone through every day of their fuckig lives. Because of humans. Humans who place the blame entirly on them and their parents. Come one, wake up. Hate comes back to you. In my eyes, everybody got what they deserved. And Eric and Dylan died as symbols of wrath. They left this cruel world in victory…

Posted by raven at November 17, 2003 06:33 AM

If those two little cowardly shits touched you deep inside then you have no fucking soul whatsoever. You know what went through their minds on the 20th? Hot lead. They didn’t leave this world in victory. They left it as two sniveling little cowards hiding behind guns because they didn’t have the balls to do anything else.

These people who worship these two scumbags need to be rounded up and institutionalized. They obviously lost the mental capacity to be a contributing member to this or any society.

The Trench Reynolds Charity

If I could get serious for a moment…

(lights dim and soft music plays)

My name is Trench Reynolds. And we here at The Trench Reynolds Internet Media Empire start thinking about giving during this time of the year. So we’ve come up with a program to help needy children.

You see, thousands of inner-city youths do not have proper clothing for winter, nor do they have any training to learn a trade. That’s where we come in.

For just a small donation of $50, you can send an underprivileged youth on an excursion to Alaska where they will learn to club baby seals and skin them. They will also be given the know how to make their own coat out of the baby seal skin.

For a donation of $100, they will be taken on a whaling excursion where they will harpoon their own whale or possibly dolphin.

And if you become a golden double secret extra crispy member by donating $500 one special child will know the joys of throwing toy poodles into a chipper shredder.

So please make all checks out to Club All Seals Heavily. Or just use the acronym CASH. So please give today because a live baby seal means a child is without a coat. Thank you.

The preceding was brought to you by Politically Incorrect Sarcasm Serving Offended Frumpy Families (PISSOFF). Which means this is a joke and don’t send me any hate mail.

12/23/03 News of Mepham

Inside Mepham Football Camp:

The fact that a Pennsylvania judge would try these rapists as juveniles is beyond me especially after such acts as…

Witnesses and victims say the varsity players also targeted a black player with racial epithets repeatedly during camp, forcing the victims and other junior varsity players to put on white sheets and scream things like ‘we’re gonna lynch you, — ‘ and “the Klan is back.”

Someone had grabbed the broomstick already from the corner of the cabin and slathered the handle with mineral ice. The boy struggled, but two other varsity players, a junior and a senior who was a team co-captain, held him down.

Twenty-four hours later, about 1 p.m., the senior captain attacked the junior varsity player with duct tape, ripping the hair off his right leg, then his left, off his eyebrows and his armpits. Then, the senior handed the roll of tape to one of the juniors, who pulled the boy’s shorts down and used the tape to tear his pubic hair.

The three admitted attackers ordered another junior varsity player to sodomize the boy with a broomstick. When the other player resisted, they threatened to do the same to him.

Ten minutes later, they sodomized the other player anyway. The senior and one of the juniors held that boy down as he was sodomized with a pine cone covered with mineral ice. Then, using the broomstick, they sodomized him with a golf ball

These are not the acts of juveniles. These are the acts of rapists that deserve to be in prison. Again I say the karma train was derailed. And again I am still waiting for just one athlete to come forward and defend this kind of forced sodomy as just good fun. Until then I’ll be making my way to the North Pole.

Thanks to Bad Jocks for the Mepham Link.

Saddam Must Die

Let Saddam Live:

You’ve got to be kidding me. I am not familiar with Richard Cohen’s work but he obviously is a card-carrying member of the League of Assclowns. To actually suggest that Saddam Hussein should not be executed is just assclownery at its worst. Who knows how many people he has put to death but let’s give him his own room with heat and meals and all the comforts of home. Hell, that’s more than a lot of American citizens have. I don’t think so, Dick. Hussein deserves to die. Slowly. Painfully.

Saddam Hussein Captured.

I’m not officially back yet but even something of this magnitude will bring me out of my spider hole.

Saddam Captured ‘Like a Rat’ in Raid:

This is a great day indeed. I’m really curious to see how the protesters will spin this one. Probably they’ll harp on about how weapons of mass destruction still haven’t been found. I beg to differ. Saddam Hussein has ordered the deaths of hundreds of thousands, if not millions of his own people. He is a weapon of mass destruction. Or rather, he was. My respect and admiration go out to the men and women of the US Armed Forces.