The Trench Reynolds Report

All Crime Is Personal

It’s the post that I look forward to all year long. Ladies and gentlemen, I give you the 4th annual Trenchie awards. The best and worst of my year as voted for by me. Let’s get right to it.

Best Move I’ve Seen This Year:
Veronica Guerin. This movie about an Irish journalist is assassinated by drug dealers she wrote about in a series of stories moved me in a way that I’ve never been moved before. I was first made aware of the story by the song “Veronica Guerin” off the Savatage album “Wake of Magellan”. If you get a chance check out both the movie and the CD.

Worst Movie I’ve Seen This Year:
There were a plethora of movies to choose from this year. There was the unspeakable 13th Child which was supposed to be a horror movie about the legend of the Jersey Devil. I don’t know what that crap was though. Then there was the British indie flick Blood about a girl who was genetically altered to have narcotic blood. It’s only saving grace was gratuitous nudity. But the winner/loser has to be Elephant. This movie about a Columbine-like school shooting has to be the most boring piece of crap I’ve ever seen. The critics creamed their jeans over this movie calling its writer/director Gus Van Sant a genius. As usual, the critics are on crack. It was like having a tooth drilled with no novocaine for 81 minutes.

Best Album of the Year:
This was tough. It was a pretty good year for music. There was Master of the Moon by the metal god that is Dio. There was also Inner Circle by Evergrey. However, this year’s winner took the title early and never let go. It was The Glorious Burden by Iced Earth. Their first album with new vocalist and one-time Judas Priest frontman Tim “Ripper” Owens. A themed album that dealt mostly with the history of war. This album is the definition of metal.

Worst Album of the Year:
The Neon God Part 1: The Rise by W.A.S.P. The first part of a concept album released by the lesser of the metal gods Blackie Lawless. While I am a huge fan of the first W.A.S.P. concept album The Crimson Idol this one just doesn’t even come close. Made me not want to pick up Vol 2.

Best TV Show of the Year:
The winner and new champion is House the medical drama on Fox. It knocked 24 out of the top spot since season 3 of 24 was all over the map in terms of storyline. House is about a doctor who solves patients diagnoses that other doctors can’t discern. Did I mention that he hates people? My kind of doctor.

Worst TV Show of the Year:
I have to give dishonorable mention to The 4400. The concept of that show started out great about 4400 people who were returned to earth after being abducted by aliens through the past 7 decades and returning with no knowledge of them being gone or having aged a day. Then they all started getting SUPERPOWERS. I stopped watching at that point. But the winner/loser has to go to Stephen King’s Kingdom Hospital. This show was so painful to watch. Stephen King should just stick to books.

Best Wrestling Moment of the Year:
Eddie Guerrero and Chris Benoit winning their respective world titles at Wrestlemania XX. It showed that popular world champions don’t have to be big juiced out freaks. Sadly from what I hear we’re getting more huge juiced out freaks in the future from Vinny Mac.

Worst Wrestling Moment of the Year: Apparently the WWE is very tightfisted about allowing people to post pics on the web. Bastards. Anyway, it has to be the Lita/Kane pregnancy angle. Not only was this possibly the worst storyline ever it may also go down in history as the most offensive. Plus it’s the angle that put old moon face himself Gene Snitsky on our TVs. That should be reason enough right there.

Best Video Game of the Year:
I know what you’re saying. What about Halo? What about San Andreas? I have one word for you. Baaaaaaaaaa. Front Mission 4 from Square-Enix was the most engrossing and addictive game I played all year. It’s a turn-based tactics style game where you battle evil in giant robots armed with giant machine guns, shotguns, and missiles. Honorable mention has to go to Shin Megami Tensei: Nocturne. A groundbreaking RPG. Instead of saving the world the world has already been destroyed and you have to survive. My only complaint is that some of the levels are long and boring.

Worst Video Game of the Year:
Samurai Warriors by Koei. While Little Jay and myself are big fans of the hack and slash Dynasty Warrior series, Samurai Warriors didn’t live up to its predecessors. The incredibly lousy camera angles totally ruined any chance of decent gameplay.

Best Movie Line of the Year:
From The Boondock Saints when Rocco fondles the passed out strippers breast. Connor MacManus says”What the fuck are you doing?” Rocco screams “I’ll tip her”. I’m not doing it justice. See the movie.

Biggest Dumbass of the Year:
Bruce Friedrich of PETA who compared the chickens KFC uses to the time in our country when blacks were used as slaves.

Most Inane Political Agenda of the Year:
Remember the woman who refused to have a C-section and ended up killing one of her babies that we lovingly refer to as Scarzilla. Well at the time of her court appearances pro-death organizations like NOW, NARAL and the ACLU were saying that the prosecutors attempt to charge her with murder was somehow a conspiracy against abortion rights.

Biggest Jackass Celebrity of the Year: My wife gave me the idea for this one. Everyone’s favorite skank ho Brittney Spears. Two marriages, one over in less than 24 hours. The other to a no-name dancer with no prenup while his ex-girlfriend was pregnant with his child. Going into gas station bathrooms in bare feet. And the list goes on and on. You can take the girl out of the trailer park but you can’t take the trailer park out of the girl.

That’s it for this year kids. Have a safe Amateur night.

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