We received some more e-mail lately. Rather than doing separate posts I thought I would do just one mega mail post to save time since time is a luxury in my life now.
The first one is from another cycle breaker. Don’t think I’m saying ‘another one’ like I’m rolling my eyes. I’m amazed at how many e-mails we get from people who have broken the cycle of violence.
I wanted to thank you for having a site like this. Reading the stories really hurts my heart because I grew up in an abusive household. It is absolutely true that the emotional scars carry on for life more than the physical scars ever could. I wanted to share my story as I feel it has been pretty severe.
My “mother” from what my family has told me, always had problems mentally. Up until recently I really had no idea what was wrong with her, as I had never seen any other child grow up with a mother like her. Life was okay up until I was 3, because my father was around and my mom had a nanny who did all the dirty work with child raising. As soon as the family business went bankrupt my father suffered a breakdown and went to Germany in an attempt to set up a business there, and restore the lifestyle my mother had become used to and expected.
Me, my brother, and my mother ended up living at my maternal grandmother’s house. My brother stayed upstairs with my grandmother, and I was downstairs in the finished basement area with my mother… This played a huge part in the abuse. It was a strange situation and my grandmother practically raised my brother.
I was an avid ice skater as a child.. and loved nothing more… however my mother took that love and turned it into something awful… Due to her anger that my dad had broken down.. the abuse started when I was 3… It began as hitting me in the face, pinching me hard.. verbal abuse.. by the time I was 5 I couldn’t attend kindergarten and had to be homeschooled because I was always covered in bruises.
As I got deeper into ice skating, any mistake I made was used against me. After practices, the car ride home was unbearable… She would smash my head against the car, and take her fingers under my tongue and dig against the side of my mouth… the amount of pain I felt I couldn’t explain to you in words… she would twist my arm behind my back… she used the car lighter on my tongue when we got home, she would stick needles under my nails. This one time when my grandmother and brother weren’t home, she tied me up and left me in the dark in the basement and used a horse whip on me.
The most evil thing she ever did I will never forget. She took pliers and squeezed my tongue and ripped a part of it… I was maybe 7 when this happened? I saw a dentist 2 weeks after that incident and was threatened to say that I was playing with a candy cane and it punctured my tongue… and he believed it… She broke my nose another time… Broke my tailbone.. I wasn’t allowed to eat much…. at 8 years old I was 48 pounds…. and at 13 years olds I was 77 pounds…. there are pictures all through my child of me emaciated… my whole life I walked around and was too afraid to talk, but I would look at people and in my head beg them to see me and take me away from her. Nobody ever did.
Other things she did was walking me to the woods a few blocks away from my house and leaving me there, saying that some man in the woods would come and drown me in the lake. One night I remember being awakened by literally being thrown across the room as a young child. Just because she felt like it. As far as emotional abuse, everyday she had me sit down and write over and over again “I am worthless, I am ugly.” What hurts me the most is that people knew what was going on…. and they never rescued me. Because my brother was being taken care of and a burden on them… I was just too much to take on apparently. I didn’t ask to be born, especially into this.
My family recently told me she was diagnosed with borderline personality disorder….. which explains how she would manipulate her way out of any questions ever asked to her…
To fast forward the story, I was homeschooled until high school… and did not adjust well in high school.. The day I graduated high school, my “mother” left me in NYC with nothing… I was 17… so I got a waitressing job and lived in a little room… Sadly.. I got into an abusive relationship because I didn’t know any better and had nowhere else to go. I became pregnant with my son at 18… the day I found out I was pregnant, I promised my little guy that I would do right by him… He deserved a chance. I googled all about being a good parent. And getting away from my ex… at 5 months I went food shopping and had him drive me, and he left me 3 miles away from where we lived in 95 degree heat to walk back…. at 9 months pregnant he smashed my head into a car window… just as an example of his behavior. It doesn’t stop there.
I was preparing to leave him… and when my son was a month old, after having a C section, because the dishes weren’t done.. he smashed my head in with a ceramic dish….and ripped out a bunch of my hair right in front of my son.. and I somehow had the strength to grab my son and run outside… to a neighbors bleeding all over the place. When the cops got there they arrested him.. I had a concussion, lost my sense of smell….permanently. With my newborn and the clothes on my back, and my cat, I left for good. I left behind everything.
I started over completely. We lived in a little place by ourselves. I worked 3 jobs… and went to school. Now I am 23 years old in my last year of my masters as a Physician Assistant, engaged to be married in September to the sweetest man anyone could ever have. He loves my little guy like his own. But child abuse is nothing you ever get over… I have nobody to relate to… I have nightmares at night…. I feel like the scared little girl still I feel an emptiness in my heart… especially now that my wedding is coming, and I’ve had to (as usual) figure out everything on my own… there is no mother sitting there for my dress fitting etc But my biggest goal has always been to have a loving sweet family… My son has ADHD and can be extremely difficult… however never once have I ever been tempted to hurt him in any way… I always tell him how smart he is, how good he is, how much he is loved.
My whole point in this story, is no matter if you were abused it is no excuse whatsoever… I look at these children and wish I could have them… I wish I could rescue them… I plan on being an adoptive mother as well… I’ve considered writing a book about my experience as a child but who knows if it would be popular… It would be nice.. There was a child called it book… sounded very similar to my situation.
Please keep speaking for these children that can’t speak…… they need all of us!
I think the book is a great idea and you never know, it could be a success.
We got the next short one from a reader and although it’s short in content we appreciate every e-mail we get.
You guys do a great job thanks . From a mother of 7 wonderful kids ages 23 to 1week. Thanks
As usual it is we who thank you. Without our readers we are nothing.
And last and certainly least we have the usual defender bullcrap we’ve come to know and ridicule…
Fuck you and your website! you have no power nor right to run your dick sucker about peoples lives and problems! NEWSFLASH you werent fucking there! Your website is fake as fuck just like you!
You got us. Every story we post on here is fake. No kids are ever abused and all the people being locked up are innocent. The secret is out…moron.