Trench solves the gun problem


I’ve figured out how to control guns without violating the tenets of the 2nd Amendment.

The first thing is to get rid of guns. I haven’t figured how to do that yet but why worry about details at this point.

Now I know the 2nd Amendment supporters are freaking out right now but I’m sorry. I know there are a lot of responsible gun owners out there but there are too many who are not. Most illegal guns that are used in crimes started out as legal guns at some point in time. Not to mention there are too many idiots in our society that are too stupid to breathe let alone own a firearm. The stupid ones are not harming themselves either. With their catastrophic stupidity they are hurting others as well.

So now I bet you’re thinking how can getting rid of guns not violate the 2nd Amendment. Simple. The 2nd Amendment says that we have the right to bear arms but it doesn’t specifically say what kind of arms they need to be. My idea is to bring back swords. Not the samurai swords that rednecks seem to have but rapiers, the dueling sword.

Think about the massive drop in crime. You can’t have a drive by swording. You can’t really have a school swording or a workplace swording. You can’t knock over a liquor store with a sword. Also you can’t really conceal a sword either. Sure, dueling deaths would increase by 1000% but at least it would be a manly death.  Unless the duel was over something stupid like who drank the last YooHoo or something.

I guess I need to start working on a list of dueling rules.

Why a metal song was never written about King Kong

Here’s a scary look into the way my mind works.

I was at The Sweatshop and while I was busy being a wage slave I was listening to Blue Oyster Cult on my MP3 player. Specifically I was listening to the awesome classic Godzilla.

So I thought to myself why hasn’t a song as awesome as this one not been written about King Kong.

Then I tried to come up with lyrics for a song about King Kong. That’s when I realized the problem. I could not write lyrics without my mind regressing to that of an 8-year-old and using the tried and true rhyming lyrics of King Kong plays ping-pong with his ding-dong in Hong Kong.

So I went back to listening to BOC and that’s when I realized that the childish King Kong rhyme fits in with the bass line of Godzilla.

Think about this the next time you listen to Godzilla.

KING KONG likes to play PING PONG with his DING DONG while inside HONG KONG.

I hope I didn’t ruin the song for you now.

So I’ve got this great new idea for a band…


So I’ve had this idea for a new band in my head for a while now. For heavy metal bands one of the most used clichés is to either be satanic or bitch about Christianity. The last person to do this successfully was Marilyn Manson. My idea is to be equally controversial but in reverse.

The name of the band would be something like Inquisitor or Opus Dei or something along those lines. Their gimmick would be that they would claim that they are a hardcore group of Christians. Kind of like how GWAR claims to be from Antarctica. And when I say hardcore I mean 15th century hardcore. They would have songs like “Burn the Witches”, “Ode to Torquemada” and “Convert the Heathens”.

In today’s politically correct and easily offended society it would be sure to cause controversy and controversy sells.

A Special Trench Reynolds Thanksgiving

If I could be serious for a moment.

(Lights dim, soft piano music plays)

We here at The Trench Reynolds Charity Foundation are always looking for ways to help better our community and our country and this Thanksgiving should be no different. While many of us are scrambling at the last minute to try to get a turkey for our families and coming up empty-handed I say that we should no longer terrorize the poor turkey.

As we all know the turkey would have been our national symbol if Ben Franklin had his way. That makes the turkey an also-ran. A runner-up. A loser. Not to mention that the turkey is a bird so stupid that it will drown if it looks up in a rainstorm. As Americans, is this how we want our holiday feasts to be looked at? Feasting on a sub-par, sub-intelligent, too stupid to live, ugly bird? No, of course not. We’re Americans, we’re all about being the best that we can be. We’re all about being #1. So why would we want to eat an also-ran bird? That’s why my friends I am imploring you as a proud American to start a new Thanksgiving tradition. A tradition where we feast on the noblest and proudest of all birds and PETA be damned…

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The Trench Reynolds Charity

If I could get serious for a moment…

(lights dim and soft music plays)

My name is Trench Reynolds. And we here at The Trench Reynolds Internet Media Empire start thinking about giving during this time of the year. So we’ve come up with a program to help needy children.

You see, thousands of inner-city youths do not have proper clothing for winter, nor do they have any training to learn a trade. That’s where we come in.

For just a small donation of $50, you can send an underprivileged youth on an excursion to Alaska where they will learn to club baby seals and skin them. They will also be given the know how to make their own coat out of the baby seal skin.

For a donation of $100, they will be taken on a whaling excursion where they will harpoon their own whale or possibly dolphin.

And if you become a golden double secret extra crispy member by donating $500 one special child will know the joys of throwing toy poodles into a chipper shredder.

So please make all checks out to Club All Seals Heavily. Or just use the acronym CASH. So please give today because a live baby seal means a child is without a coat. Thank you.

The preceding was brought to you by Politically Incorrect Sarcasm Serving Offended Frumpy Families (PISSOFF). Which means this is a joke and don’t send me any hate mail.